How to skydive in 21 steps:
1. Pass a bunch of life insurance-related courses and earn a FLMI. Work for an organization generous enough to fly you to Montreal to receive your designation.
2. Decide the best way to celebrate receiving a boring insurance designation is to pay good money to jump out of a plane.
3. Once you’re in Canada, rent a car and drive an hour to the skydiving place. Become slightly unnerved when it’s clear the place is run by a bunch of twenty-something hippies.
4. Ignore the empty beer cans littering the ground. Meet your instructor/tandem jumping partner, Jimmy.
5. Wonder if Jimmy is stoned.
6. Don a red jumpsuit. Feel a little like George W. Bush during his whole Mission Accomplished press stunt.
7. Get into the plane and take off. Try not to feel unnerved as everyone around you talks in French and laughs and nods. Curse yourself for not paying more attention in seventh grade French class.
8. Get asked if you’re ready to jump. Pretend to be much more of a badass than you actually are and cheer.
9. Don’t so much jump as just shuffle to the edge of the plane along with Jimmy. Once he jumps, get pulled along with him. Admire the view and feel the amazing adrenaline rush of flying through the air. Smile like a goon and keep mouthing, “This is awesome.”
12. Have Jimmy spin the two of you in circles in the air. Curse yourself for not taking Dramamine. Start to feel like that one time when you puked up breakfast burrito on a flight home from Mexico.
13. Try not to hurl in the air.
14. Feel your ears pop so hard your head feels like it’s going to explode.
15. Survey the Canadian countryside. Marvel at its beauty.
16. Try not to hurl in the air.
17. Prepare to land. Feel grateful Jimmy knows what he’s doing and steers clear of any trees.
18. Feel your ass hit the ground. Have people come up and ask you how the experience was.
19. Tell them, “I think I’m going to throw up.”
20. Don’t throw up. Feel like a badass.
21. Start planning a solo jump (this time with Dramamine and pressure reducing ear plugs).